Adobe announced the release of their newest suite of creative applications, called UnderDuress. The software bundle utilizes an innovative sliding-scale pricing structure based on your credit card’s daily withdrawal limits. The intended purpose of the software is as of yet unknown.
In a cost-cutting measure being embraced by many tech companies, the luxury buses that have become ubiquitous in many SF neighborhoods may soon be replaced by panel vans and pickup trucks. Instead of a set schedule and pickup route, hopeful tech workers will now wait on corners of busy intersections and vie for limited space in the trucks. “It just makes sense for us.” said a Google representative. “We only want the most capable and motivated tech workers. If they’re there early and they look capable, they work. If they’re late or they’re drunk, they don’t.”
Google has said that their plan is the future of tech worker transportation, and believes they can learn from other company’s mistakes. “Amazon’s airborne drone employee pickup program was just a disaster.” said the Google rep, referring to the retail company’s attempt to pick up employees from their homes by airborne drones to carry them to their offices. Especially controversial was their policy of forcibly removing employees from the office by drone when their productivity dropped off.
Local neighborhood groups are not happy about the crowds of tech workers gathering on their sidewalks. “I just don’t feel comfortable with them hanging around, with their backpacks and glasses.” says one neighbor. “I think when you move to a neighborhood it’s important that you try to assimilate to the local culture, that’s all.”
The tech workers themselves seem resigned to the new method of transportation, though they have their gripes. One engineer explained, “We’re expected to bring our own tools. For me, this means a rack of servers. And you know, it’s not easy to carry that onto the back of a truck. But a job’s a job.”
Hello fellow San Franciscans! Over the past year or so, we’ve shared in your joy and laughter as The Sans Serif has brought joy and laughter to so many computer screens. From “San Francisco Restaurant Bucket List” to “Priced Out Of SF, Thought You Could Move To Mars? Think Again.”, The Sans Serif was nothing short of the funniest website in San Francisco, period.
When we learned that founders Joel Finkelstein and Chelsea Seiderman were considering throwing in the towel, we knew that someone needed to step in and say “Hey you guys – pump the brakes!” So with a plausible cash infusion from our investing firm, Tennis & Plaid, The Sans Serif was back in business.
Our next steps will be to engage with the former writing staff of The Sans Serif and talk about what was working well and what could be improved upon. Some of the potential new revenue stream concepts we’ve tossed around include a dubstep band, corporate event planning, ComicCon, apps, The Space Station, and a bagel eating contest.
We expect great things in the coming weeks, so stay tuned to The Sans Serif!
– Brad Plaid & Dennis Tennis, Tennis & Plaid LLC
Since we started, The Sans Serif has endeavored to loyally accommodate San Franciscans here and there, whether native born or newly arrived. We possess a great zeal for the Bay Area and all the things that it has to offer — and have had lots of LOLs sharing our ardor with you. Together we have built a strong community of partners, contributors, and followers. However, we have contrived the burdensome conclusion to end activities. It’s been a great run and we conspicuously praise everyone who has supported us along the way.
Bay Area rents are soaring, and so it’s no wonder that some residents would look to the skies for housing options. With gas prices falling, and commutes becoming more affordable, living on Mars and working in San Francisco is considered a viable choice for some.
While considered a hot destination, an expert tells us otherwise. “Mars is a harsh, cold world. It is much colder than Earth; but then, it is also farther from the sun. The small, barren planet also has a thin atmosphere that is 95 percent carbon dioxide.”
We should also mention the costs, which may be considered astronomical. “After discussions with potential suppliers for each component and close examination, Mars One estimates the cost of putting the first four people on Mars at six billion US$,” says one Mars travel resource. “The six billion figure is the cost of all the hardware combined, plus the operational expenditures, plus margins. For every next manned mission, Mars One estimates the costs at four billion US$.”
Mars has two moons, Phobos and Deimos, which some are calling the Brooklyn to Mars’ Manhattan. Looking further still, Jupiter has at least 63 known moons, which could be considered the next Oakland.
Add another local shop to the growing list of businesses forced to close because of rising rents. Woodever, San Francisco’s first and only reclaimed reclaimed wood shop, may be closing its doors for good.
“It’s sad, but that’s life. Turns out there wasn’t that much demand for railroad ties made from planter boxes.” says co-founder Kevin Bryan. “The railroad company wouldn’t take my calls. I never got past the secretary.”
Price points may have been an issue. Though their wood is locally sourced and impeccably curated, their hand-crafted wooden loading pallets have not been popular with Bay Area grocery stores. “At one point there was a deal in the works to build a barn using bar surfaces and countertops from urban coffee shops,” Bryan explains. “But that fell through too.”
“We’re not giving up yet,” he adds. “Woodever.”
Bay Area music and sports fans are preparing for a blow-out spectacular when Paul McCartney performs the final show at Candlestick Park, with demolition of the iconic stadium scheduled to begin at the end of the concert. Fans will have the option of staying in their seats for the demolition of the stadium. McCartney himself will begin the demolition from the center of the field, bringing the 69,732-capacity stadium crashing down on top of him. The site of the stadium will become an instant memorial to McCartney’s musical legacy, as well as a somber reminder of the fans who gave their lives at his final concert. Expect to hear such classic songs as ‘Helter Skelter’, ‘Live and Let Die’, and ‘Band on the Run’.
In 2004, presidential candidate John Edwards spoke of there being “two Americas”, and nowhere is this more evident than in Santa Clara, California. Here, in the heart of Silicon Valley, the privileged few enjoy the luxuries of Great America, while the rest of the unwashed masses are resigned to live in regular America.
Some of the perks afforded to the one-percenters in Great America include roller coasters, corn dogs, cotton candy, and refillable souvenir cups. Ordinary Americans are able to commute to work by car or public transit, while in Great America, these lucky denizens can choose from modes of transit as fantastical as Xtreme Skyflyer, Loggers Run, Rip Roaring Rapids, or Berserker.
99% of Americans ride few to no roller coasters per day
Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. also spoke of this growing gap between Great America and regular America. “There are literally two Americas. One America is beautiful for situation. And in a sense this America is overflowing with the milk of prosperity and the honey of opportunity.” said Dr. King about the fun-and-sun-filled expanses of Santa Clara’s Great America. “Tragically and unfortunately, there is another America. This other America has a daily ugliness about it that constantly transforms the buoyancy of hope into the fatigue of despair.” Dr. King’s remarkable prophecy presages the founding of the theme park by 14 years, but his words ring truer now than ever.
The statistics about this inequality are staggering. The top 1% of those in the Great America eat 40% of the world’s Laffy Taffy, and ride 90% more roller coasters per day than those in regular America. Included in Great America is a water park, Boomerang Bay, free of charge, while those who can least afford it are paying up to $49.99 for admission to Raging Waters.
Still, despite the vast differences between life in Great America and life in regular America, some one-percenters are less than apologetic. “We enjoyed all the rides. Go and try. They are the best.” says Cathy Y. on Yelp. “Price for pictures of rides is so reasonable. Food is waaaaaaaay expensive. We really love all the rides.”
If only the rest of us could be so lucky.
The employee perks wars are heating up, with Google now offering employees goodie bags, baloons, and pony rides. Meanwhile, other tech startups hoping to lure away top engineering talent have reportedly promised pizza and a bounce house.
