Adobe announced the release of their newest suite of creative applications, called UnderDuress. The software bundle utilizes an innovative sliding-scale pricing structure based on your credit card’s daily withdrawal limits. The intended purpose of the software is as of yet unknown.
In a cost-cutting measure being embraced by many tech companies, the luxury buses that have become ubiquitous in many SF neighborhoods may soon be replaced by panel vans and pickup trucks. Instead of a set schedule and pickup route, hopeful tech workers will now wait on corners of busy intersections and vie for limited space in the trucks. “It just makes sense for us.” said a Google representative. “We only want the most capable and motivated tech workers. If they’re there early and they look capable, they work. If they’re late or they’re drunk, they don’t.”
Google has said that their plan is the future of tech worker transportation, and believes they can learn from other company’s mistakes. “Amazon’s airborne drone employee pickup program was just a disaster.” said the Google rep, referring to the retail company’s attempt to pick up employees from their homes by airborne drones to carry them to their offices. Especially controversial was their policy of forcibly removing employees from the office by drone when their productivity dropped off.
Local neighborhood groups are not happy about the crowds of tech workers gathering on their sidewalks. “I just don’t feel comfortable with them hanging around, with their backpacks and glasses.” says one neighbor. “I think when you move to a neighborhood it’s important that you try to assimilate to the local culture, that’s all.”
The tech workers themselves seem resigned to the new method of transportation, though they have their gripes. One engineer explained, “We’re expected to bring our own tools. For me, this means a rack of servers. And you know, it’s not easy to carry that onto the back of a truck. But a job’s a job.”
With the recent rise of floodwaters in the San Francisco Bay Area, it was inevitable that the entrepreneurial spirit of the city would find a way to get involved. Uber, no stranger to controversy, has drawn fire for their latest offering, a ride sharing service they’ve dubbed “U-Boats”. Marketed towards the affluent and stranded, Uber’s boat service has been plagued with problems since its launch. “My shoes got wet!” tweeted one user hailing from the Marina. Another posted to Yelp, “I got seasick and my driver used salty language.”
Uber’s response has been measured. “While we understand that there may be a few bad apples out there, we’re confident that our service will overcome these setbacks.” In fact, their offering has already proven more successful than their competitors. Lyft’s floodwater ride sharing services involved little more than driving cars with giant eyeptaches over one headlight, and was met with both flooded engines and legal woes. Sidecar’s rubber rafts and inner tubes fared little better. “Uber does seem to be coming out on top with this one,” noted one tech industry analyst, “but women should think twice before boarding an Uber boat. Because of the implication.”