Adobe announced the release of their newest suite of creative applications, called UnderDuress. The software bundle utilizes an innovative sliding-scale pricing structure based on your credit card’s daily withdrawal limits. The intended purpose of the software is as of yet unknown.
In a cost-cutting measure being embraced by many tech companies, the luxury buses that have become ubiquitous in many SF neighborhoods may soon be replaced by panel vans and pickup trucks. Instead of a set schedule and pickup route, hopeful tech workers will now wait on corners of busy intersections and vie for limited space in the trucks. “It just makes sense for us.” said a Google representative. “We only want the most capable and motivated tech workers. If they’re there early and they look capable, they work. If they’re late or they’re drunk, they don’t.”
Google has said that their plan is the future of tech worker transportation, and believes they can learn from other company’s mistakes. “Amazon’s airborne drone employee pickup program was just a disaster.” said the Google rep, referring to the retail company’s attempt to pick up employees from their homes by airborne drones to carry them to their offices. Especially controversial was their policy of forcibly removing employees from the office by drone when their productivity dropped off.
Local neighborhood groups are not happy about the crowds of tech workers gathering on their sidewalks. “I just don’t feel comfortable with them hanging around, with their backpacks and glasses.” says one neighbor. “I think when you move to a neighborhood it’s important that you try to assimilate to the local culture, that’s all.”
The tech workers themselves seem resigned to the new method of transportation, though they have their gripes. One engineer explained, “We’re expected to bring our own tools. For me, this means a rack of servers. And you know, it’s not easy to carry that onto the back of a truck. But a job’s a job.”
San Francisco is a hot town for technology, there’s no doubt about that. Some people call the tech startup bonanza a new California gold rush, but you’d better remember to be careful out there, pardner. Sometimes you gotta wonder if the WWW in the internet addresses stands for World Wide Web, or Wild Wild West! Here are some tips to help you stay safe in cyberspace.
Make sure your browser only accepts artisanal cookies. It may sound obvious, but not every cookie is the same. You don’t eat hydrogenated soybean oil, so why should you put it in your computer? It’s common sense. There are plenty of great new cookies in San Francisco, from pop-ups to food trucks. If you’re buying organic handmade treats for your dog, you should expect better for your browser too.
If you’re using the wifi at a cafe, you can check the Yelp reviews to see if hackers like to go there. If you see a five-star review from a guy called “Anonymous” with a “V For Vendetta” user profile pic, there’s a good chance that cafe is a hacker hot spot.
And if you’re using hashtags for the first time, be careful. Make sure you use the hashtag #sanfrancisco on every post you make while in San Francisco. Adding a #california or #norcal hashtag doesn’t hurt either. But you can stop short of tagging #USA and #earth, even if you technically are in those places too.
And of course, remember to have fun!
With the recent rise of floodwaters in the San Francisco Bay Area, it was inevitable that the entrepreneurial spirit of the city would find a way to get involved. Uber, no stranger to controversy, has drawn fire for their latest offering, a ride sharing service they’ve dubbed “U-Boats”. Marketed towards the affluent and stranded, Uber’s boat service has been plagued with problems since its launch. “My shoes got wet!” tweeted one user hailing from the Marina. Another posted to Yelp, “I got seasick and my driver used salty language.”
Uber’s response has been measured. “While we understand that there may be a few bad apples out there, we’re confident that our service will overcome these setbacks.” In fact, their offering has already proven more successful than their competitors. Lyft’s floodwater ride sharing services involved little more than driving cars with giant eyeptaches over one headlight, and was met with both flooded engines and legal woes. Sidecar’s rubber rafts and inner tubes fared little better. “Uber does seem to be coming out on top with this one,” noted one tech industry analyst, “but women should think twice before boarding an Uber boat. Because of the implication.”
The Y2K virus made headlines in 1999, when it set off a wave of panic over potentially catastrophic computer system failures. Those fears proved to be largely unfounded, but a new worry has cropped up recently. Many young people today were not online in 1999 when the virus first appeared, and experts fear that this younger generation of ‘millenials’ may be susceptible to the virus.
One expert cautions, “It’s a perfect storm. These so-called millenials weren’t exposed to Y2K the first time around and haven’t developed the necessary antibodies to combat the virus. Their near-total dependence on technology makes them especially vulnerable.”
Yet another compounding factor is the ’90s nostalgia that’s become fashionable among the younger twenty-somethings who were just kids when Y2K was something their parents were worried about. “First you had the ’90s hip-hop revival, where you couldn’t go out on a Saturday night in some neighborhoods without hearing Bel Biv Devoe,” explained one fashion blogger. “Next thing you know, everyone’s buttoning the top collar of their button-down shirts. But it doesn’t stop there. There’s a dangerous side to the late ’90s, and if Backstreet is really back, these kids need to know the risks.”
In the wake of the recent closure of the main gate at this year’s Burning Man, several hotels, restaurants, and public pools in nearby Reno, Nevada have instituted a ‘no Burners’ policy, barring Burning Man attendees from their establishments.
“It all started with the tents.” Said Ricky Ordalle, a weekend concierge at the Silver Legacy, “We had to have security explain to several hotel guests that they weren’t allowed to set up ‘pleasure tents’ in the lobby . . . and there were smells and stains that lingered long after the tents were gone . . . Also these Burning Man folk kept trying to haggle for their room rates, offering bizarre payment forms that are most certainly NOT legal tender. I thought these were supposed to be wealthy tech moguls, what kind of computer whiz thinks that they can pay for a hotel room with honey sticks?”
Best Buy – one star: “Under private property … Each tries to establish over the other an alien power, so as thereby to find satisfaction of his own selfish need. The increase in the quantity of objects is therefore accompanied by an extension of the realm of the alien powers to which man is subjected, and every new product represents a new potentiality of mutual swindling and mutual plundering.”
Apple Store – one star: “Machines were, it may be said, the weapon employed by the capitalist to quell the revolt of specialized labor.”
Target – one star: “Do I obey economic laws if I extract money by offering my body for sale,… — Then the political economist replies to me: You do not transgress my laws; but see what Cousin Ethics and Cousin Religion have to say about it. My political economic ethics and religion have nothing to reproach you with, but — But whom am I now to believe, political economy or ethics? — The ethics of political economy is acquisition, work, thrift, sobriety — but political economy promises to satisfy my needs. … It stems from the very nature of estrangement that each sphere applies to me a different and opposite yardstick — ethics one and political economy another; for each is a specific estrangement of man and focuses attention on a particular field of estranged essential activity, and each stands in an estranged relation to the other.”
Starbucks – one star: “everything here costs money. very disappointed.”
The employee perks wars are heating up, with Google now offering employees goodie bags, baloons, and pony rides. Meanwhile, other tech startups hoping to lure away top engineering talent have reportedly promised pizza and a bounce house.
Startup incubator selects ten entrepreneurs and offers them V.C. seed capital – IF they can spend one night in a haunted house.
“Monopoly money is now what Bitcoin was six months ago.” said Mr. Moneybags.
