Category Archives: Bay Area

Drought Tips For Smarter Water Use

The summer might be coming to a close, but the San Francisco summer is just getting started. With the state in its worst drought in history, it’s time to start thinking about how we could all be doing our part to conserve water.

Switch from coffee to Adderall.
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The ocean, man. It’s, like, right there.
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Your body is 80% water. Try watering your lawn with your own blood.
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Empty lakes and reservoirs make great skate parks, so grab your boards and get ready to shred!

And on the bright side, if our lakes and reservoirs are at 10% of their water capacity, that means they’re at 1000% fish capacity.
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Change your bongwater no more often than twice a day.
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Spay and neuter your houseplants.
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Wash your car in the pool.
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Reno Hotels Enforce a Strict ‘No Burners’ Policy

In the wake of the recent closure of the main gate at this year’s Burning Man, several hotels, restaurants, and public pools in nearby Reno, Nevada have instituted a ‘no Burners’ policy, barring Burning Man attendees from their establishments.

“It all started with the tents.” Said Ricky Ordalle, a weekend concierge at the Silver Legacy, “We had to have security explain to several hotel guests that they weren’t allowed to set up ‘pleasure tents’ in the lobby . . . and there were smells and stains that lingered long after the tents were gone . . . Also these Burning Man folk kept trying to haggle for their room rates, offering bizarre payment forms that are most certainly NOT legal tender. I thought  these were supposed to be wealthy tech moguls, what kind of computer whiz thinks that they can pay for a hotel room with honey sticks?”

What We’re Doing While Everyone Is At Burning Man

With tens of thousands of attendees, Burning Man takes a sizable bite out of the San Francisco population each Labor Day Weekend. Here’s how the rest of SF is getting by without them.

Riding the empty Google bus around in a loop

Moving back into our old apartments

Waiting in line outside of restaurants out of habit

Taking showers, not being covered in dust

A hacky-sack circle of one 🙁

Cooking a steak on your vegan roommate’s cast iron skillet

We finally found the secret orgy tent – it was right here in SF all along!

Burning Man Becomes Rain Man, Heads to Casinos

With heavy rain forcing organizers of the popular Burning Man event to close its gates on opening day, many festival goers are viewing the rain as a sign from heaven and reconsidering their plans for the week. “We’d become so enmeshed in our noncommercial alternative lifestyle, we’d lost sight of what makes this whole thing possible: money. What we’ve been looking for might have been right in front of us the whole time.” said one Bay Area denizen standing by his car on the side of the road. “Let’s play some cards!”

In fact, the combination of Tom Cruise’s morally bankrupt yuppie and Dustin Hoffman’s autistic math genius might be a perfect encapsulation of the Silicon Valley elite that now finds itself stranded in the middle of the Nevada desert. One would-be Burner expostulated it this way: “If you could take everyone here and harness their raw greed and ambition with this crowd’s analytical understanding of complex systems, we could take down every casino in Reno.” Said another, “Of course I don’t have my underwear. I’m definitely not wearing my underwear.”

Love Standing in Line? You’ve Come to the Right Place

San Francisco topped the polls once again in Stand Together magazine’s annual survey of the best American cities for waiting in line. Cities were scored in the areas of hype, density, duration, bodily discomfort and overall satisfaction. This is a return to form for our city, which was pipped to the post last year by New York, largely due to the runaway success of the cronut. Continue reading

Halloween 2014: Robin Williams or Phillip Seymour Hoffman?

With the news of the death of Hollywood legend Robin Williams, the first question on many people’s mind was, “Do they still make adult-size Genie costumes?” But not so fast – what happened to that Brandt from The Big Lebowski costume you’d been planning on wearing? We’ll help you make the tough decisions that these serious moments call for.


The Big Lebowski is a perennial favorite, a true modern classic, but Hoffman’s character basically is just a guy in a suit. We’d recommend this costume if you look like Phillip Seymour Hoffman, otherwise probably not advisable.


However, you don’t have to look anything like Robin Williams for anyone to know WTF you’re supposed to be with this outfit. Well, it helps if the people at your Halloween party either grew up with Nick at Nite in the early nineties, or are over 45 years old.


As long as we’re doing ’70s throwbacks, who could forget Phillip Seymour Hoffman playing legendary rock critic Lester Bangs in “Almost Famous”? Probably most people. Unless you’re willing to yell in people’s faces about how under-appreciated the Stooges were in their prime (and we know that some of you are), this costume might be just as under-appreciated. ‘Almost’ a good idea.


But wow, if you can find this jacket that Williams is wearing in “Death to Smoochy”, how could you not wear it? Like, every day?


Hoffman plays a Catholic priest in “Doubt”, but if you have a Catholic priest outfit lying around…


Why not go as Williams in “License to Wed”? No “doubt” about it!


Sadly, unless you’re Tom Cruise in “Mission: Impossible III”, most Phillip Seymour Hoffman costumes involve little more than wearing a tuxedo and looking like Phillip Seymour Hoffman.


Now here’s where it gets tricky. Mrs. Doubtfire, one of Williams’ most beloved roles, is a pretty serious makeup job…


Whereas Hoffman in ‘Flawless’ is basically just a headband, lipstick, and some sexy lighting.



Basically, at the end of the day, Scotty from “Boogie Nights” is a pretty solid choice, as is the awesome gay stereotype from “The Birdcage”. Let’s just hope there are enough Genie costumes to go around – one would imagine that Party City is having some high-level meetings about this right now.

RIP guys!

Paul McCartney

Fans Say Goodbye to Paul McCartney at Final Candlestick Show

Bay Area music and sports fans are preparing for a blow-out spectacular when Paul McCartney performs the final show at Candlestick Park, with demolition of the iconic stadium scheduled to begin at the end of the concert. Fans will have the option of staying in their seats for the demolition of the stadium. McCartney himself will begin the demolition from the center of the field, bringing the 69,732-capacity stadium crashing down on top of him. The site of the stadium will become an instant memorial to McCartney’s musical legacy, as well as a somber reminder of the fans who gave their lives at his final concert. Expect to hear such classic songs as ‘Helter Skelter’, ‘Live and Let Die’, and ‘Band on the Run’.

What Weed Strains Are Fueling Tomorrow’s Innovations?

This isn’t your father’s San Francisco.

Gone are the rank-and-file suits toting their briefcases on BART trains to jobs in journalism, finance, and microchip engineering, then congregating in local pubs to share stories and song. A new creative class has risen, bubbling with youthful energy, shaping a vibrant new world as they telecommute to their roles in A/B testing, content aggregation, and clickbait headline writing. But where do these New Creatives turn when their tanks run low? Where do they find that extra boost to visualize the Next Big Idea?

Enter Prop 215.


Increasingly, San Francisco’s New Thinkers are eschewing the bars (indeed, many former urban professional haunts such as Pop’s and The Attic have already been shuttered) and are heading straight for the “dispensary,” telling the bright-eyed clerk to “fill ’er up,” and getting back to the joyful work of changing the internet, one “pre-roll” at a time.

In San Francisco, change is the only constant. But if you live here, you already knew that.

So grab your doctor’s recommendation and follow us inside the club for a “deep dive” into which cannabis strains are fueling the innovations of tomorrow.


Name: Breastmilk
Classification: White Indica
Taste: Dandelion, Cream, Walnut, Egg Yolk
Effects: Anxiety Relief, Muscle Relaxant, Pair Bonding
Conditions Treated: Insomnia, Disinvestment, Estrangement

2014 Cannabis Cup runner-up, this strain has been incredibly popular with couples and with young brand managers living far away from home.


Name: Godfather 3
Classification: Super-Sativa
Taste: Orange Rind, Peat Moss, Lead, Sulfur
Effects: Creativity, Alliteration, Strategic Thought
Conditions Treated: ADHD, Poor Hygiene, Perceived Lack of Agency

Initially bred by Jimmy Herer (nephew of Jack) but never entered into formal competition for fear of unfairly negative reviews, this strain is noted for its ability to place external power structures in context, and to allow the patient to realize that all perception is bound by personal narratives.


Name: Poison Oak
Classification: Hybrid Graft
Taste: Tart Berries, Red Clay, Bay Leaves
Effects: Animism, Psychic Purging, Dissociation
Conditions Treated: Exercise Addiction, Fear-Based Decision-Making, Inertia

Medicating just once with this variety will result in permanent immunity to cannabis smoke, but users of this strain insist that the trade-off is worth it.

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Name: Otto’s Jacket
Classification: Indica Ore
Taste: Tar, Firewood, Hay

This strain is known for its long-lasting smoke and is sometimes called “PBR with seeds” as it provides the patient with a vehicle for frictionless travel on the axis between class warfare and nostalgia. Possibly placebo.


Time will tell what trends tomorrow holds, but for now it appears that the New Creative Class — and the medical cannabis dispensaries of which they are so fond — are here to stay. And who knows: maybe today’s young creative professionals will use their social media influence to get the rest of America in on the action.

And that means Dad, too.

Marxist Yelp Reviewer Gives One Star

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Best Buy – one star: “Under private property … Each tries to establish over the other an alien power, so as thereby to find satisfaction of his own selfish need. The increase in the quantity of objects is therefore accompanied by an extension of the realm of the alien powers to which man is subjected, and every new product represents a new potentiality of mutual swindling and mutual plundering.”


Apple Store – one star: “Machines were, it may be said, the weapon employed by the capitalist to quell the revolt of specialized labor.”


Target – one star: “Do I obey economic laws if I extract money by offering my body for sale,… — Then the political economist replies to me: You do not transgress my laws; but see what Cousin Ethics and Cousin Religion have to say about it. My political economic ethics and religion have nothing to reproach you with, but — But whom am I now to believe, political economy or ethics? — The ethics of political economy is acquisition, work, thrift, sobriety — but political economy promises to satisfy my needs. … It stems from the very nature of estrangement that each sphere applies to me a different and opposite yardstick — ethics one and political economy another; for each is a specific estrangement of man and focuses attention on a particular field of estranged essential activity, and each stands in an estranged relation to the other.”


Starbucks – one star: “everything here costs money. very disappointed.”